Resentment-that is just one of the emotions I am feeling right now. Along with that comes anger, sadness, and frustration.  I have been here 3 months now. I have worked harder than many people here.  I don't need to be put on a pedestal.  But here's what happened:

The last few days have been hard, I'll get to those in a second, but I want to begin with today.  I didn't get the day off because we're short one person.  I didn't make a stink about it, didn't pout, just said ok, I'll see you tomorrow.  I came in early this morning, just like I always do.  The day was going as normal, and at about 12 my NCO said that I had to go to lunch and be back at 1245 for the awards ceremony. Now we have these every so often when people are getting ready to leave and get awards or promotions.  I was confused as I was doing neither, and I asked him why.  He said, don't ask questions, just be there. I said ok, and went on my way.  Right before the ceremony I find out I am supposed to get an award from the Commanding General for all the hard work I've been doing.  I go to the ceremony, my NCO tells me to stand up front, and I wait.  We go through all the awards and speeches, about an hour of it.  Then the CG says he'd like to call up the following people to give them special recognition for the tremendous work they've done.  The list starts, and my NCO's name is called. My Watch OIC's name is called. But mine isn't.  They both got Bronze Stars today.  Now those of you who are or were in the military understand the importance and the great honor of receiving a medal like this.  I was confused at first.  Then the ceremony ended.  We all went back to the office, and everyone congratulated the man that sits behind a desk and does nothing all day, while I stress and scrounge and work my ass off. He has yet to explain to me why he told me I was getting an award and I did not. I haven't asked, but plan to before the night is over.  The award itself doesn't mean so much to me, its the fact that he's being recognized for an outstanding job he didn't do.

On to the other issues of the week. We had an internal issue. I can't explain what happened because I'm not allowed, but the jist is someone on my team was doing things that violate UCMJ as well as rules that are set forth for people with clearances.  This was not a minor infringement, but a huge one that could have very easily cost people on our compound their lives or other Coalition forces in the country theirs. I was one of the whistle blowers.  Most of the people in the section don't know the whole truth, or any of it, so everyone is going around saying, someone snitched on this person! Who would do that! Well I can't say anything because I was given and order and signed a document that I wouldn't, but I have to sit and listen about the horrible person that screwed up this persons career, when in fact it was the person that got in trouble.  I also have not gotten much sleep, a much needed day off, and I find out this morning that my hubby is getting rocketed and I can't get a hold of him.  I'm sure he's fine, and you all know that he'd tell us that if he could reach us, but it's still a concern of mine.

So, after this long winded blog entry, I apologize to EVERYONE for not calling or emailing to you.  I appreciate all the emails and the thoughts and care packages and letters.  But right now I really can't talk.  I have lots of thoughts I need to work through, and I'm very busy all day, so when I leave this office all I want to do it be by myself.  I hope you all understand.  I miss you all very much and love you more than you will ever know.